Love & Empathy II
Aetiology
Destructive Narcissists breed Destructive Narcissists, but it doesn't mean that every child becomes a destructive narcissist. Some children can see that the parent/s or caregiver/s are wrong and know that they are abusive. Destructive Narcissists provide the conditions in which a child is consistently deprived of empathy, love, and psychological and/or physical safety. Abandonment, rejection, neglect, abuse, dehumanisation, victimisation, and humiliation are all features of a lack of empathy.
Destructive Narcissists can be savvy enough to know when to put a good show on in front of others (extended family members, neighbours, teachers, social workers, colleagues, employers etc.). They might even seem like an upstanding pillar of the community or society, but under the bonnet and behind closed doors it's a completely different story.
If the Primary Carer is a Destructive Narcissist and the child has no ally to compensate for the destructiveness of the primary carer and no one to consistently reflect back to them their innate qualities then they will become a Destructive Narcissist. Destructive Narcissists cannot give what they have never received. And they are Teflon to empathy…it bounces back off them and they will experience empathy in others as a weakness and with suspicion (a paranoid-schizoid reaction).
If the Primary Carer is a good enough parent and their intentions towards the child or children are positive and loving, but is preoccupied with fear of the other parent, who maybe more physically absent, but is a Destructive Narcissist who terrorises the family upon their return. For example, the Domestic Violence Perpetrator or Violent Alcoholic and/or Drug Addict etc.
The central and most important characteristic of the Destructive Narcissist is being utterly and totally devoid of empathy, and with no possibility or capacity to develop empathy.
If they possessed empathy, they could not be destructive, they would have sufficient consciousness they couldn’t possibly inflict such misery and pain on others on such a regular and consistent basis.
Destructiveness is their raison d’être!
So, one of the essential qualities that defines us as human is empathy. Then a rather uncomfortable question arises! As the Destructive Narcissist does not possess empathy and they cannot develop empathy because the *prefrontal lobes of the brain have not sufficiently developed the appropriate neural pathways and does not have the plasticity to compensate or develop further, does that mean the Destructive Narcissist is NOT human?
Destructive Narcissism is very democratic in that you could find anywhere regardless of gender, sexuality, race, creed and spiritual belief, culture and sub-cultures, class, and position in the workplace. Sadly, you could find it even within my profession…students, qualified counsellors and psychotherapists, clinical supervisors, teachers, professors, and management. Of course, they have absolutely no capacity to be empathic (a quintessential therapeutic tool) but they will feign sympathy, which is not a therapeutic tool and a poor relation to empathy. They may learn some skills, techniques and theories about counselling and/or psychotherapy but without empathy they are not psychologically holding and containing of the client. It is the equivalent of painting by numbers!
In August 2024, the Metanoia Institute (one of the largest postgraduate counselling and psychotherapy training organisations in London) apologised for having very publically ousting a 3rd year student, James Esses, from his 5 year masters degree in Psychotherapy because of his Gender Critical views. Metanoia also apologised for their empathic failure with James. You can read the story here:
Meanwhile, another London based Counselling and Psychotherapy training organisation the Psychosynthesis Trust qualified a counsellor, Mike Lousada, in 2011, who was then sued by his client for rape in June 2024. Read story here: Ella Janneh wins High Court civil rape case against therapist - BBC News
Destructive Narcissism can also be found in organisations, companies, institutions, and any system made up by people. Especially if the founder/s are destructive narcissists, and they have plenty of YES men and women around them; they won't tolerate anyone who will persistently challenges them, unless that someone has leverage over them!
I am sure that most adults are aware of the absolute destruction caused by the Post Office Jujitsu Horizon IT Scandal. Which went on for over two decades destroying the lives of hundreds of Post Office workers including their family lives, relationships, livelihoods, careers, being criminalisation and imprisoned, and very sadly at least four suicides. BBC coverage
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