Love & Empathy III

Characteristics of Narcissism on the Psychopathological end of the Spectrum

Narcissists on the psychopathological end of the spectrum share some characteristics with the Psychopath and the Sociopath. Mainly, that they cannot learn from their mistakes (mistakes will make them more manipulative and devious), they cannot admit or take responsibility for their wrongs (in their minds they justify and rationalise anything, even the most heinous behaviour, and will blame others), they are arrogant and grandiose, and will use seduction to get what they want.

Destructive Narcissism Characteristics (adapted from Dr. Nina W. Brown)

1. Destructive – with a target in sight they set out to alienate and destroy everything that that person holds dear to them, the positive qualities they possess, and their reputation.

2. Violent - emotionally, verbally, sexually, spiritually, and/or physically.

3. Controlling – they do not know how to share power and control with anything unless they have been cornered.

4. Seductive and sadistic - they are the worst kind of bully.

5. Narcissistic - absolutely no one else matters to them except themselves, not even their own children. And of course they are attention seekers.

6. Unemapthic - the prefrontal lobes of the brain have not matured sufficiently to develop the neural pathways for empathy, and it seems does not possess the neuroplasticity to develop or compensate for the lack.

7. Grandiose and arrogant - they believe they are geniuses and mostly live in a world of fantasy.

8. Paranoid-schizoid (Klein) - they split everyone and everything into either good or bad*, mostly bad. Psychologically mature adults understand that themselves and everyone else (empathic people) have a shadow* (psychologically speaking), and that no one is just good or just bad.

9. Neurotic (obsessional and anxious), and often suffer from hypochondriasis.

10. Addicted to Misery - even when they get what they want, the high they get is short lived.  They do not possess Ego-Strength (Freud), and therefore a cannot soothe themselves in the face of real or imagined disappointment, and will often become hysterical and vindictive.

11. Compulsive liars - they lie about everything, including unimportant stuff and important issues. They will use gaslighting in order to confuse their victim, and distort their perception of reality.

12. The Perpetual Victim - it’s always someone else’s fault, and never theirs. If they apologise it will not be a genuine apology and will be done resentfully.  They have no capacity to learn from their destructive behaviour

13. Unreflective - deeply unaware of their unconscious motivations.

14. Hypervigilant and Hyperaroused - they are waiting to punce.

15. Psycheache, Shneidman coined this term when referring to the psychic pain that people experience when actively suicidal that is turned-in on themselves. I would argue that the persistent hypercritical noise in the head of the Destructive Narcissist is a form of Psycheache, which is mostly turned out and projected onto the world and everyone in it. This hypercritical noise will have been internalised in early life.

16. Rejection, real or imagined - because of early life rejection and/or abandonment they are unconsciously expecting to be rejected and are hypervigilant to it. They will experience rejection and/or abandonment even when there isn’t any. However, as they have such appalling behaviour, attitudes and beliefs they are bound to experience both in abundance.

17. Loquacious - they never tire of hearing their own voice and thinks everything that comes out of their mouth are golden nuggets. They hijack every space they enter, unless they feel out of their depth, which is rare. They simply do not know how to discuss or share a space or project. They derive a great deal of satisfaction from spoiling it for others.

18. Misanthropists – they project out into the world their own unconscious hatred of themselves onto others, especially if the other represents all the positive qualities that do not have.

19. Love, empathy, compassion, caring, kindness, generosity, support and loyalty are alien qualities to them. They just cannot take-in the good. If they profess love and attribute positive qualities to the other this is just an infantile Paranoid-schizoid state of splitting and idealising the other…for sure and soon enough, the other will fall from the great heights of idealisation and become the bad, only to become an object of denigration, ridicule, exploitation, and sadism. Even some animals in the wild respond positively to empathy, Destructive Narcissists cannot.

20. Pathological Envy - in childhood they have never been allowed to become themselves, never experiencing consistent approval and acceptance, unless it was for nefarious reasons. When they encounter someone that they experience as wholly and completely themselves, either because they have a good enough childhood or have broken free from the shackles of a less-than-ideal childhood, the Destructive Narcissist will envy them to the point of hatred.

21.Lazy - they will seduce, exploit, manipulate, and even blackmail the other/s to do their bidding for them, to gain promotion, and everything else they want.

22. Hypersensitive - because of the Psycheache (hypercritical noise in their head) they cannot tolerate external noise and movement they cannot control.

23. Obsessional - while most people can be a bit obsessional in order to complete a task, Destructive Narcissists are ridged, inflexible and immutable with their obsessions and cannot be interrupted or rescheduled to accommodate an alternative activity as this will cause them great consternation (Psycheache will become amplified).

24. Poor or no Boundaries - as I have said, they hijack and spoil it for others. They are incurious about themselves and their attitudes and behaviours, they do not understand that there are alternative viewpoints other than their own. They cannot rationally discuss anything, and you can never disagree with them or challenge their behaviour or attitude for you will pay as they will feel that you have insulted and offended them grievously.

25. Comorbidity - they will often misuse alcohol and/or or illicit and prescribed drugs to try and quell the Psycheache. But of course, they will make it easier to act-out their destructiveness even more. They may have other addictions and obsessions, like spending what they do not have, shopping, gambling, food (over or under eating), sex (they may be repulsed by sex or are consumed by it) etc.

In no way does having an addiction, an obsession, or a criminal record mean that the individual is a Destructive Narcissist. I have seen myriad addicts, people with obsessions, and former criminals rehabilitate highly effectively to go on to do great things with their lives.

26. Feckless - while as a Psychotherapist I don’t like to think that anyone is beyond positive psychological change.

Over the decades, I have witnessed a great many individuals, couples, and families, in all kinds of therapeutic settings, come back from the brink of destruction and turn their lives around.

Adult Destructive Narcissists do not seem to have the ability or capacity to positively develop and individuate beyond their psychopathology.  They have no redeeming qualities nor positively contribute to the world, because anything they achieve, no matter how great, has been achieved through destructiveness. They are simply a menace to the other, the family, community, society, and business.

They do not actively seek therapy unless required to by a partner, Social Services, the Courts, or by a training institute. And when they do, they will come out the other end unchanged, just like a Tomato seed through the digestive system.