Love & Empathy

Wicked Little Letters is now a big success on Netflix, and has been a smash hit at the box office.

Of course, today letters probably wouldn't be used but done digitally, which of course is still a serious crime! The culprit could land themselves with a custodial sentence especially if they have previous criminal convictions, are on probation, or on a Lifelong License (a bit like the Witness Protection Program but for those who have committed heinous crimes and they get an identity makeover so that they can re-enter society).  

The offending main character Edith Swan, brilliantly played by Olivia Coleman, has all the psychopathological hallmarks of a Narcissist. But a very particular type of narcissist further up the psychopathology spectrum of the Narcissism, including the Destructive Narcissist, the Malignant Narcissist and the Pathological Narcissist. The more destruction they cause the further up the spectrum they go! But there really only is a hair’s breadth between them.

Edith Swan caused a lot of destruction in the life of Rose Gooding, who incidentally was English in real life and not Irish, also brilliantly played by Jesssie Buckley, and supported by a stellar cast.

Edith Swan was dominated by her controlling father, who suffered from Religiosity where he is was obsessed and psychologically possessed by his religious beliefs. So much so that it prevented him from loving his child and being empathic with her. When love and empathy are sparse on the ground or completely absent from a child's life, they will only internalise what is given to them by the parent/s or caregiver system. Edith internalised that she was bad, good for nothing, ungodly, ugly etc. She became pathologically envious of her neighbour Rose, who was very much herself and non-compliant to any man, religion or authority, the complete opposite to herself. So, Rose became the target and receptacle for all Edith’s projected out self-hatred. In order to get close enough to Rose to exact her malicious plan to harm her, Edith feigned being sympathetic and friendly - this psychologically speaking is called Seduction, the initial stage every narcissist uses to ensnare their victim in their trap. 

So, why have I chosen to write about Wicked Little Letters? Well, I had some clients return to therapy because of mounting stress during the Covid pandemic and especially during lockdowns. A proportion of these clients reported some really ugly stories about their nightmare neighbour/s. And the film got me thinking about another pandemic...Narcissism, as it had seemed to have escalated particularly during lockdown. Alcohol consumption also escalated during the Covid Pandemic and during subsequent lockdown. Alcohol being both a depressant and dis-inhibitor may have facilitated the dropping of social norms and allowed individuals, couples and families to act-out their destructiveness. I also strongly suspect that as we were all forced to work from our homes that the bad behaviour of the narcissist was just simply transferred from the workplace to the domestic setting were neighbours became the fresh targets of their destructive narcissism. There is a co-morbidity with obsessional behaviour and addictions with the narcissist, so alcohol and/or non-prescribed drugs probably made the narcissist a whole lot worse.  Just as a counterpoint to the narcissism pandemic, many clients reported lovely stories about warm, generous and supportive neighbours who were not attempting to seduce and exact a malicious plan!

Some Examples for Lockdown Narcissism with kind permission

Client A:

This client was recovering from a debilitating illness and multiple bereavement.

Just when everyone was trying to adjust to working from home, a neighbour decided that he would continuing his plan of home refurbishment, using heavy duty tools. The neighbour was no stickler for local authority rules and regulations about noise pollution. So, he would work obsessionally all day, evening and all weekend, which you are not supposed to do pre-pandemic, and definitely not at all during lockdowns, but he did. And for maximum affect the neighbour even left his front door open while working!!! The client went to him after being continuously drowned out of his work and home and had some choice things to say to him. And he did stop after being threatened with legal action. But then the next thing he started doing was filling up the communal hallway with bulk purchases of furniture, including mattresses and soft seating. This obviously was a fire hazard, but he’d leave them there not just for a few hours or overnight but weeks on end! So, now the client was worried that he and his neighbours would either burn to death or suffocate from fumes! As if Covid-19 wasn’t enough! Obviously, this Nightmare Neighbour was a Destructive Narcissist.

My client would often retreat to the communal garden for respite. He met some lovely neighbours doing this. But to top it all, another neighbour (No.2) started following him out into the garden almost every time he would enter. This neighbour was a relative newcomer, but he’d always given the client the creeps and had avoided him and his husband. But he ignored his intuition and decided to give Neighbour No.2 a chance, maybe he was being too judgemental and critical. They actually became quite good friends in a not very deep sort of way. But then some ugly things happened that freaked my client out. He witnessed No.2 being less than kind to some neighbours, of course he challenged this. It took him some time to figure it out but all these neighbours had the same things in common; English was not their first language, they had children, they weren’t professionals, and they rented their homes. So, this guy was racist, classist and really disliked children. Next, he started gaslighting my client which felt very sticky. No.2 then told him he loved him!!! And invited him for a threesome!!! My client was horrified and decided to cut off all communication and avoid him in the garden.

Months had passed but then my client started to notice the signs of mice! He had lived in his home for decades and had never, ever had any mice or any signs of them! So, he set humane traps for the mice and released them into the wild. He had hermetically sealed his home with wire wool etc, so no mice could possibly get in. Then late one evening he heard someone at his letterbox, and low and behold there was a mouse frantically scarpering into the bathroom. My client then set a motion activated camera on the letterbox…and caught footage of many mice being dropped through the door over months!

Then domestic drainage just stopped draining. He got out some specialist engineers to inspect the drainage system. They used cameras and all sorts of high-tech equipment over three days. Their conclusion was that it was not domestic organic matter blocking the drainage but solid stone that had been deliberately put there. My client instantly knew who caused the mouse infestation and the blocked drainage.

He had remembered, not related to the conversation, No.2 asking him if he ever had any issues with mice, and at another time about any problems with drainage. At the time he thought nothing of No.2’s questions, but on reflection he knew it was him.

Of course, I having worked with convicted offenders in residential drug rehabilitation, Probation Liaison, and an Arrest Diversion Scheme (sending offenders to rehab rather than prison), I knew that these behaviours were typical of those incarcerated long-term in Young Offenders Institutes and/or prison, to torture other inmates and staff with.

I also knew that individuals who could do this to my client will not have been successfully rehabilitated as their Destructive Narcissism has continued post release, and in fact are dangerous. And if No.2 did not have a criminal background, then he had access to someone who did or had manipulated them into doing it!!!